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Last night I ate 2 cubes of carrot-cheesecake. It was amazing. I never realised so fully how much carbs & sugar really fill you up on some weird, inner-cellular level. I never realised it so fully because I have never been on such a strict diet. For the past 5 days it was oats in the morning, 6 egg whites a day, spoonfuls of BCAA, sweet potato, chicken breast, tuna cans, and vegetables. Every bite of that cheesecake while it lasted was spectacular.

But this morning my oats didn’t taste nearly so good, maybe because my cells weren’t as carb-depleted as they had been for the past few days. And last night I had a bad stomachache. I don’t know if those were cramps, or my body groaning at the shock of having to process the cheesecake. 

I didn’t feel so good this morning. Eating really clean does take its toll on you emotionally. Waking up and knowing you will be eating chicken breasts and eggs all day is not exactly exciting. And you know, I love chocolate. I used to have a little bit of chocolate after every meal. For a month in Sep-Oct I fasted chocolate (for different reasons), and actually that was ok because I had other sweet things to supplement, though none was quite the same as chocolate. 

Long story (a few hours tossing in bed) short, with the help of a few inspiring Instagram personalities & stories, I made a decision. I was going to compete. I was going to stick to my diet come hell or high water (ok that’s just a phrase to hammer in my commitment, if hell or high water does come, I’m eating chocolate like my life depended on it). I only started competition prep 5 days ago on December 1st, but my mindset when I started was to eat like I was going to compete for 2 weeks and see if I leaned out well. If it responded well, I’d go for another 2 weeks eating like I was going to compete and see if my muscles developed well. 

This morning, I realised how hard the road to competing is on so many levels. I have gained new respect for bodybuilders. I said before I started this that competing this time round was a now or never deal, because I didn’t want to have to do this diet when work started, but I may well become addicted. It is such a mental game. I can’t have a “we’ll see how I go” approach to this, because it is just not going to work. Not for me, anyway. 

So here it is. I’m bound and determined, and going in all guns blazing. See you on the other side.

(Some nights) in my dreams I am so happy.

It was the strangest thing today. I was in Chadstone running some errands with Jiali, and we had stopped by Big W for her to buy something. On exiting, we observed a slight commotion happening at the front of the store. The cashiers were leaning over the counter talking to security guards, and in the middle there was a little Bangladashi (his t-shirt said Bangladesh!) boy of about 2 years old. He was crying very hard. It turned out that he has lost his mother. 

As Jiali and I stood there waiting to pay watching the little boy cry, I was thinking “aww, poor little boy”. And then I went up to him, knelt down next to him and told him it was ok & not to worry and gave him a hug. He hugged me back and stopped crying after a while. I stayed there with him while the security guards ran around trying to broadcast announcements and looking for his mother, and he was calm while I was carrying him. He was so cute, he had the biggest, prettiest eyes. 

After, when we had found his mother, I had this thought. It struck me that I had actually managed to calm the little boy down, and it surprised me in sense that I had been bold enough to step out and interfere in that situation. I don’t really know what possessed me. I didn’t think for ages when I saw the boy crying, I did hesitate for a while when deciding whether to go up to him, but seeing him cry really hard, surrounded by security guards made up my heart for me, and moved my body to action. 

 

I find it strange, because when I think about it, I feel like it’s the first time I’ve stepped outside my comfort zone in a public place. I remember how it was hard to step out in youth to go up to people and pray for them, but the more you do it the more used you get to it. It was a strange sensation because I stepped out – and was successful.

 

I don’t know. Thinking, thinking, mulling.

Is it a fine line or a wide gulf between holding on to God to do the seemingly impossible and being stubborn?

Cloudy

I spoke to God today and He told me that no one could ever fill my heart like He does.

Clouds

Does time heal all wounds or does it steal the memories?

My heart is so full. Knowing that other people are feeling the same feelings I once had, knowing that those feelings can in fact make you unhappy, knowing that so many are individually going through their own struggles. My heart aches for them; I do love the youth so.