Last night I ate 2 cubes of carrot-cheesecake. It was amazing. I never realised so fully how much carbs & sugar really fill you up on some weird, inner-cellular level. I never realised it so fully because I have never been on such a strict diet. For the past 5 days it was oats in the morning, 6 egg whites a day, spoonfuls of BCAA, sweet potato, chicken breast, tuna cans, and vegetables. Every bite of that cheesecake while it lasted was spectacular.
But this morning my oats didn’t taste nearly so good, maybe because my cells weren’t as carb-depleted as they had been for the past few days. And last night I had a bad stomachache. I don’t know if those were cramps, or my body groaning at the shock of having to process the cheesecake.
I didn’t feel so good this morning. Eating really clean does take its toll on you emotionally. Waking up and knowing you will be eating chicken breasts and eggs all day is not exactly exciting. And you know, I love chocolate. I used to have a little bit of chocolate after every meal. For a month in Sep-Oct I fasted chocolate (for different reasons), and actually that was ok because I had other sweet things to supplement, though none was quite the same as chocolate.
Long story (a few hours tossing in bed) short, with the help of a few inspiring Instagram personalities & stories, I made a decision. I was going to compete. I was going to stick to my diet come hell or high water (ok that’s just a phrase to hammer in my commitment, if hell or high water does come, I’m eating chocolate like my life depended on it). I only started competition prep 5 days ago on December 1st, but my mindset when I started was to eat like I was going to compete for 2 weeks and see if I leaned out well. If it responded well, I’d go for another 2 weeks eating like I was going to compete and see if my muscles developed well.
This morning, I realised how hard the road to competing is on so many levels. I have gained new respect for bodybuilders. I said before I started this that competing this time round was a now or never deal, because I didn’t want to have to do this diet when work started, but I may well become addicted. It is such a mental game. I can’t have a “we’ll see how I go” approach to this, because it is just not going to work. Not for me, anyway.
So here it is. I’m bound and determined, and going in all guns blazing. See you on the other side.